Taking it off for the TSA in MHT

Holiday Fun: Yay! Holiday Travel: Argh!

In anticipation of the inevitable shake downs at airport security, we thought it might be helpful to write about what edible fare NOT to bring if you take to the friendly skies this holiday season. Consider it a little PSA on the TSA.

Being stranded with toddlers on thwarted cross-country holiday treks (at both the Mall of America in Minneapolis and the Coca Cola Museum in Atlanta), instilled my routine of doomsday preparation when embarking on any multi-stop journey this time of year. The loss of in flight meals (not a huge loss in retrospect) and the advent of no frills airlines without buy-on-board options only heighten the need to be armed against long flights and too close connections.

To deal with this I used to spend precious time at home packing slick little soft coolers and snack bags of healthy foods–cut up apples, carrots and hummus, sliced cheese, tortilla/turkey roll ups lovingly cut into bite-sized spirals. The family shunned it all in favor of expensive snack boxes full of empty calories and near-empty packaging or copious amounts of the nasty snacks that, sadly, are still provided for free. But I persevered for my own benefit only, my family openly mocking my attempts at healthy travel fare. This is what I have learned:

First, one must work around the list of banned substances which includes all fluids, like puddings, soups, and drinks of any kind (oh the wasted lattes). If it pours, forget it. Other things on the banned list, I learned the hard way, are yogurt and its evil twin go-gurt. There is a gray area of judgment when distinguishing between the liquid and solid realms of food. I discovered this when flying out of Manchester, NH. Upon passing through X-ray TSA spirited me out of line, did the full shake down, dusted my hands for contraband and then pointed accusingly to my Tupperware container of homemade hummus. “What’s that?” asked a burly agent, perhaps getting a suspicious whiff of middle eastern spice. “Hummus.” “Humma what?” “Hummus” I repeated. He brought over a female agent who looked at it with similar disdain and simply shook her head while pointing to the garbage can.

This brought my family much entertainment, but nothing compared to my next bust, when, once again with my TSA friends in Manchester, I tried to ferry chia seed breakfast pudding through security. When made properly chia seed pudding might resemble a poppy-seed studded tapioca. When hastily thrown together the night before travel it can resemble slimy frogs eggs. The agent pointed to my opaque container and raised an eyebrow. “What’s this?” “Chia seed pudding,” I answered, suddenly having a hummus flashback (Duh!) and fatalistically eyeing the garbage can. She peeled back the lid optimistically and gamely refrained from gagging while gently suggesting I could eat “whatever that is” outside security. I quickly grabbed it and tossed it into the can while my kids convulsed with laughter.

Other things don’t make the travel cut on a purely practical level. No matter how firm the banana, it will find a way to over ripen the moment you take it on the road. Big sandwiches overflowing with awesomeness will overflow into your own lap as will anything goopy, mushy, crumbly or grainy. Speaking of grainy, rice will escape containment, guaranteed, as will rogue streams of juice, sauce or dressing from items in the wrap family. Breakfast burrito at Cafe Rio in SLC–good way to start the day. Hot sauce in your lap–bad way to start the day.

Then we have the matter of etiquette. Unless you and your people have taken over an entire row, anything too outrageously yummy creates a “have’s and have-not’s” scenario. It just feels weird to be chowing down right next to someone with nothing but a bag of pretzels. It’s also common courtesy to avoid anything really smelly or pungent–eggs and tuna for sure, but also things like the roasted cabbage that was tasty, healthy high-fiber fare but made row 17 smell like a Balkan road house.

I recently discovered another issue, when I had broken my own rice rule and packed a luscious brown rice and roasted vegetable melange. It would have been great had I remembered to bring utensils. Airport restaurants, now savvy to brown bagging passengers like myself, no longer offer easy access to free utensils, and neither do the low-fare airlines we fly. (After all, you don’t need a fork to eat peanuts, Ritz bits and pretzels). I ended up using a hunk of bagel from yet another sandwich shunned by my family. It sort of all worked out, but it further weakened my resolve to BYO in-flight.

So what do you bring when you take flight? Leave the hummus behind and go for anything that’s better in a backpack (without the Swiss Army knife of course). Or keep it simple and just bring money–lots of it. Pockets and pockets full of grindels. Wherever you head for the holidays, safe travels, stay loose and pack your sense of humor!